A Gentle Guide To Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg
We humans are wired for connection. From the beginning of time, we’ve lived in groups—families, tribes, communities—because we thrive when we feel supported and understood. We have this beautiful capacity for empathy. We long to feel seen, heard, and valued.
And yet… doesn’t it sometimes feel like true connection is harder than ever to find? How often do we walk away from conversations feeling unseen or even hurt? How often are we scrolling on our phones looking for real life feeling?
That longing for better connection is what first led me to Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. It’s a framework for speaking and listening with more compassion, clarity, and empathy—a way of communicating that helps us bridge the gap instead of deepening conflict.
How I Found This Book
I picked it up while reflecting on how to better practice loving speech and deep listening—two commitments from the Five Mindfulness Trainings that I’ve been exploring in my mindfulness practice with Plum Village. My husband has actually had this book on our shelf for years. He found his way to this book during the pain and dissolution of his first marriage and always spoke highly of it. One day I realized it was time to move past just reading the back cover and dive in.
I’m so glad I did.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
At its core, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is about compassion. It’s a way of speaking and listening that avoids blame and criticism, and instead seeks to understand the feelings and needs beneath the words.
Rosenberg describes NVC with four simple steps:
Observation – State what you see without judgment.
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I noticed that while I was talking, you were looking at your phone.”Feelings – Share how it makes you feel.
“I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard.”
Needs – Identify the need behind the feeling.
“I need to feel that our conversations matter.”
Requests – Ask for something specific, not as a demand but as an invitation.
“Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk?”
It’s simple, but it can completely shift the tone of a conversation.
Why It Matters
NVC helps us:
Reduce misunderstandings with clearer, kinder communication.
Build stronger relationships through empathy and respect.
Handle conflict more peacefully by addressing the root needs, not just surface problems.
Practice self-compassion by noticing our own feelings and needs.
Grow personally by speaking and listening more mindfully.
What struck me most while reading is how widely NVC has been applied—from family dinner tables to workplaces, even in communities impacted by war. The human need for connection is universal.
Everyday Examples of NVC
✨ In Relationships:
Instead of, “You never support me,” try:
“I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help with this project. Would you be willing to help by picking up the kids today?”
✨ At Work:
Instead of, “You’re always late with reports,” try:
“I feel stressed when reports are delayed because it affects our workflow. Can we find a way to stay on track together? What can I help you with next week to ensure we meet our deadlines?”
✨ With Yourself:
Instead of, “I’m so stupid for messing that up,” try:
“I feel frustrated because I value accuracy. What can I learn from this?”
Yes—NVC works in self-talk, too. And honestly, that might be the place where I’ve found it most powerful.
My Takeaways
As someone who grew up around anger and has wrestled with my own loud inner critic, this book was both comforting and eye-opening. The language Rosenberg uses feels almost like another dialect—but it’s beautifully simple once you sit with it.
A few lines that stayed with me:
“Anger is not about what a person does but the stories in our head surrounding what happens.”
“Humans are always behaving toward their unmet needs or values.”
Reading these, I felt a little relief. A little permission. A little more compassion—for myself and for others.
Final Thoughts
Nonviolent Communication isn’t just a tool—it’s a mindset. A practice. A way of showing up with more patience, empathy, and understanding.
If you’re longing for deeper connection in your relationships, if you’re tired of walking away from conversations feeling unseen or attacked, or if you simply want to quiet that inner critic—this book is worth your time.
It won’t make every conversation easy. But it just might make them more human, more healing, and more real.
✨ Sometimes connection isn’t about saying more—it’s about saying it differently or listening.
