Practicing True Love: A Deep Path of Connection
A true love moment when my hubs slept with our daughter shortly after her birth
In a world where love is often romanticized or commodified, Buddhism and Thich Nhat Hanh offers us a radically compassionate and grounded view of what it means to truly love. When we open ourselves to love as a practice we can see that love is not just a feeling—it is a deep practice of presence, understanding, and transformation. To love in the spirit of Thich Nhat Hanh is to engage with others from a place of mindfulness and interbeing, where our happiness is not separate from the happiness of those around us.
The Four Elements of True Love
In his teachings, Thich Nhat Hanh outlines four elements of true love, each one a practice that helps us cultivate healthy, compassionate relationships:
1. Loving-Kindness (Maitri)
True love begins with the intention to bring happiness to another person. This means we must first understand what brings them joy. Loving-kindness requires deep listening and genuine curiosity about the other’s needs, rather than projecting our own desires onto them.
2. Compassion (Karuna)
Compassion is the desire to ease the suffering of others. It blossoms when we recognize that the suffering of one is the suffering of all. To offer true compassion, we must be present and stable enough to hold space for another’s pain without judgment or the need to fix it.
3. Joy (Mudita)
Love is not complete without joy. When we love someone, their happiness becomes our own. Practicing mudita means celebrating the successes and joys of others without envy, and cultivating a sense of delight in their well-being.
4. Equanimity (Upeksha)
True love is spacious and free. Equanimity allows us to love without attachment, clinging, or control. It is the understanding that each person has their own path and freedom. This quality brings balance and peace to our relationships.
Mindfulness as the Foundation of Love
Mindfulness comes in so many forms - this is me in my meditation yoga spot during a recent trip
Mindfulness is the soil in which true love can grow. When we are mindful, we are truly present for ourselves and others. We are able to see clearly, listen deeply, and respond with care. Thich Nhat Hanh often reminds us, "When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?"
Practicing mindfulness in love means:
Breathing and grounding ourselves before responding in difficult moments
Offering our full attention in conversation
Noticing and naming our emotions without reacting impulsively
Taking responsibility for our own healing
True Love in Action
Sibling love is such a wonderful reminder of ways to love
True love is not limited to romantic relationships—it is a way of being with all people and all life. We practice true love when we:
Listen to a friend without judgment
Care for a child or elder with patience
Speak truthfully but gently
Apologize and forgive sincerely
Stand up for justice with compassion
These small, consistent actions create a ripple effect of healing and connection in our families, communities, and world.
Third Mindfulness Training (Practice): True Love
The following contemplations are inspired by the “Five Mindfulness Trainings,” originally written by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, and shared with me by the monastics at Plum Village Deer Park whom I recently practiced meditation with at the YMCA Estes Park in Colorado, USA. I am committed to practicing & reciting the Five Mindfulness Trainings in community once per month and sharing them here on my blog home.
Me and my dad walking home from the store when I was little
I find myself drawn to the practice of true love as I reflect on the impermanence of life and my relationships with my ancestors and root family. In my twenties, I moved far from my ancestral home to California’s central coast. Now in my forties, with a family of my own, this place truly feels like home. And yet, I continue to wonder: how do I stay connected to my mother, my birthplace, my roots, and the people who shaped me? I'm exploring ways to honor and remain in relationship with my ancestors from afar—without overextending myself or pouring energy into connections that may not always reciprocate. Some of my loved ones prefer staying in touch through social media, while others struggle with phone conversations. Many prefer in-person visits, which have become increasingly difficult to make happen. I’m dedicating the next month or so to contemplating and learning more about the concept of true love through my ancestral relationships.
As you read each of the contemplations on interbeing, pause after each sentence and take 1-3 deep breaths and connect with how these statements might connect with you on a personal level.
Contemplations
The elk didn’t mind us meditating nearby while on retreat
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual (relational) misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society.
Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without mutual consent, true love, and a deep, long-term commitment.
I resolve to find spiritual support for the integrity of my relationship from family members, friends, and sangha with whom there is support and trust.
I will do everything in my power to protect children from (sexual & all forms of) abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.
Seeing that body and mind are interrelated, I am committed to learn appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and to cultivate the four basic elements of true love – loving kindness, compassion, joy, and inclusiveness – for the greater happiness of myself and others.
Recognizing the diversity of human experience, I am committed not to discriminate against any form of gender identity or sexual orientation.
Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
The Courage to Love
Loving in this way takes courage. It asks us to be vulnerable, to stay open in the face of pain, and to continually return to the present moment. But as Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, it is through this deep practice that we touch the beauty and richness of life.
True love is not something we fall into—it is something we practice, day by day, breath by breath.
May we each learn to love in a way that liberates, heals, and connects us all.
Photos from Earth, Our True Nature Retreat at Estes Park YMCA August 2024, https://deerparkmonastery.org/photo/earth-our-true-nature-retreat-photo-gallery/